Why do I feel so depressed right now? I am working, I have a paycheck, I have a great boyfriend.. but I guess the family thing has taken a hit ehh? Of course when one part of your life gets better, the other half takes a dump. No time to breathe and take in the balance of perfection while all goes astray. Its like building that sand castle at the beach, you get one wall up and the other side plummets into the mote. How does one keep all four walls up? Adding too much water will sink the sand..but too little will crumble the walls..but how do you work with the delicate recipe of a sand castle when you need to keep up with the surrounding environment..disasters..tornados...hurricanes..when will I be able to hold up all four walls, look into the sunny blue sky and just breathe...?

I came home about an hour ago and I checked my email and to my surprise, I received an email from the HR and she said they decided to move on with someone with more experience. So the final thing I was really trying to hear from now has sank to the bottom of the ocean.

My worst fear has now become my only hope. She said that they have doubled in tests now and before while their department was slumping, now is on the rise. The company is apparently doing better but the pay I guess have not changed. But you know, little pay is better than no pay at all. Too bad I found out about the rejection so late in the afternoon. Otherwise I would have called her sooner to see if I can patch up some rough spots. I mean it is a great company and I did gain a lot of experience with them but the people I guess...were from the real world and I will just have to deal with that. I want tomorrow to come sooner than ever so I can try and bag this job.

On Saturday was our one year anniversary. We went to The Melting Pot and had fun. We both dressed up and I wore the teal dress and had my hair in a french twist. We both had some drinks and had a blast. It was a wonderful night.. too bad we did not have much time for other affairs. I love him and do love that he is there for me even though we are both so broke now! This sucks! The economy has slumped so much its just impossible to get a job! Ok I'm sick of blogging now. Maybe another day?

Today is our one year anniversary! During the day we won't do anything but tonight, we are going to get all dressed up and go to The Melting Pot in San Mateo. I am so excited because its kinda been our place there. We went when I was in college and he came to visit me and he loved it. I am excited also because we get to dress up which I don't feel happens enough in my life. I have also been trying to recall the time that we became one but its been a year ago! And besides, thats not the most important part anyway. I am planning to wear the halter top sparkled teal dress and the baby doll heels. I am so excited! I haven't really decided what to do with my hair but I will be sure later.

We haven't spent much time with each other while I was in college but he did try to make an effort. I really appreciate him for that because I think if it was reversed roles, I do not know if I could keep up like he did. I love him for all that he has done for me and I just know this relationship will last as long as he doesn't get tired of me and according to him, he will never even though I have such mood swings sometimes. I love him because he loves me for all that I am. I do not have to pretend or fake anything. Messy room, farting, freakiness, everything!

So there is still no outlook on a job. I was supposed to get a response this week but I guess it has been moved to next week. She told me that they wanted to wrap up all the interviews before making a decision so I am just waiting for their response. I hate this part! What happens next I wonder..?

I know people always strive to not be like their parents and yet somehow some way, they cannot avoid what is destined to be. I see the way my mom acts right now and how her mom acts, and honestly, I am scared. I don't want to take things out on him and I do not want to have such low patience or such a quick temper or those mood swings. Do you think I can divert myself away from that? Maybe I can train myself to be more tolerant or perhaps just look at things through a different pair of eyes and not judge things so negatively. If I always look towards the optimistic stand point, then I wouldn't be so angry or negative. But yes, I do fear what I can become..

About a year ago, I reunited with a high school friend of mine who found me on myspace through a friend. At first I was a little repulsed because it was him...the guy who teased my friends and I in high school. That was nearly seven years ago. We messaged each other a few times and exchanged numbers and we talked through the night, but I was reluctant in going further with him. I mean, he hangs out with my ex-crush whom I made of fool of myself in front of him. I thought that this guy came back to me to ruin my life of course. I guess I was wrong. He convinced me to give him a chance and perhaps was the best decision I have made in my entire life. I have cared and loved no other man in my entire life. He is the best guy a girl could hope for. I have always said I wanted to date a mechanic so that I could have my dream car. I also wanted a handyman who could save me butt loads around the house. Yes, he was the one. My mother doesn't like him of course because apparently to her, he's not good enough for me because he doesn't have a bachelor's degree. Thats where it all begins I suppose.

My mom is pretty young. She has always told me that menopause starts around late 30's to 40's in our family. Therefore if we wanted kids, we better have them early on. She is having all the symptoms a woman on menopause can have: weight gain, hot flashes, mood swings, short temper, low patience, depressed. She is just out of control sometimes and then the next second, she is fine again. My head hurts trying to catch up with her mood swings. I'm jumping ahead of myself, let me start with the source.

My dad is a very hard working man. He works one main job and several side jobs to make his ends meet. While he travels far for work, he also smokes. The little money he gets obviously goes to gas and cigarettes. He sometimes even gives me some money on the side without my mom's knowledge. I love my dad very much and maybe because he is the less strict parent but also because he loves me very much too.

So back to my mom. She takes her anger out on my dad a lot. Because she is having all these symptoms, its expelled upon my dad and they argue so much now. My mom talks about committing suicide and divorce and leaving. Its hard hearing that from a mom because of the many things I enjoyed talking to her about, this was by far my least favorite. Sometimes, I even wanna run away from it all, but what could that do? It wouldn't change how she feels nor would things get any better. I'm debating if I should feel guilty that I am leaning towards my dad's side because my mom is just being so angry towards him. Unless he was unfaithful or something, I don't see any reason to be so angry towards him. Yes he can't bring home that much money but at least he can cover himself. And when you two took your wedding vows, did you not promise to take care of each other and make it through the goods and the bads? She says she couldn't stand being the rock under this family anymore and that she is tired. She says she thinks for other people but other people never think for her. She says no one cares for her. When she said those words, I really think she needs meds. She is acting like my grandmother is right now. They act bitter and thinks the world doesn't care about them. And my grandmother controls her emotions with meds. Perhaps thats what my mom needs. She admits it too but to take action for it is much harder than said.

I'm not having too much luck with jobs right now. I'm gone to a few interviews but not many have gone in my favor just yet. And this puts some stress on me because it makes me feel useless and its like I can't help my family right now. I feel like such a bum.

It is our one year anniversary this coming weekend. The mister and I plan to go to The Melting Pot because it is just so darn romantic there. What we will do during the day is a mystery to us but we'll see.